The Art of Wholehearted Living with Chronic Illness

 Living with a chronic illness is no small feat. There are quite a lot of turbulent times, stigma, and emotions that come with living with a chronic illness. As a child, before my diagnosis, I was sensitive and could feel emotions very deeply. I could also take on the emotions of others like a chameleon as I was very empathetic. When I started to experience the first signs that something was wrong with my health, a wide variety of emotions of fluctuating intensity consumed me often. From fear of what was to come to grief over what I had lost, I was not ready to handle these feelings. But, nature and poor health don’t wait until you’re ready. Actually, they can’t wait until you're ready because you’ll never be truly prepared for becoming ill, especially long term.

With my health declining, I became overwhelmed quite quickly. My emotions were set on overdrive. Anxiety engulfed my being and a deep sadness submerged my soul. I became drenched in desperation because I was constantly being caught by surprise with new symptoms, new doctors, new diagnoses, and ever-changing prognoses. I tried coping with everything by just living life, but that didn’t work for long when my illness got in the way of that. To cope with these extreme emotions, I ignored them, stuffed them away, and eventually shut them off.

If you have ever experienced strong, tumultuous moods, you’d think that my ability to shut off emotions is a gift. However, while I shut off my negative emotions, I also dampened my ability to feel joy and love. I learned to dissociate from my life, my problems, and ALL of my emotions, both the unpleasant and pleasant ones. What I learned to do to protect myself was so powerful it turned into an involuntary reaction that I had trouble controlling. In fact, I became disconnected and apathetic for so long, that I convinced myself that I simply couldn’t feel anymore. 

Things recently took a turn in my relationship with my (and others’) emotions. I used to blame emotions for making me so sensitive. Now I have a different view on emotions. My journey in embracing emotions started with a Ted Talk that sparked a realization in me. Brené Brown has her PhD in social work and she gave a talk about the art of wholehearted living. This talk was fueled by her own qualitative research in the field. The whole talk was great, but something specific struck a chord with me: the assertion that vulnerability leads to deeper connections and more passion. I have always been uncomfortable with being vulnerable, but Dr. Brown said that allowing yourself to feel particularly uncomfortable emotions that make you vulnerable is what can bring out a whole array of passionate emotions. She said you cannot selectively numb out just the uncomfortable emotions because joy, gratitude, and love would be restrained as well.

I realized that I need to lean into the discomfort of negatively perceived emotions to be able to bask in the lightness and tenderness of the lovely feelings. I do believe that this would allow me to form deeper connections romantically, intimately, and friendship-wise. While my social life has not changed much yet, I do notice that I am more candid and open to socializing than before (my illness getting a bit better certainly helps with that, but I still think this psychological aspect makes a difference).

This principle of being vulnerable to emotions and people has already taken effect; despite being on some numbing medications, I am able to feel joy like how I could before the medications and my illness now that I opened up to sorrow and grief. Being vulnerable takes practice and it is a habit that isn’t easy to adapt. I’m only just starting to allow myself to be vulnerable again like when I was a child. As this is not an overnight fix, I definitely still struggle with being vulnerable, but I am actively working on changing my mindset to incorporate vulnerability into my life’s connections. 

Vulnerability can show itself in many ways. Openly expressing emotions, sharing an embarrassing or sad story, and having intimate moments with a romantic partner are just a few of the many ways to be vulnerable. While you wouldn’t want to share too much with the wrong people, sharing what drives you out of your comfort zone with people who you want to form a deeper connection with can be very beneficial. There is no need to be extreme with this, just push yourself more and more out of your safety bubble of suppressed emotions, and soon, you will be able to live life passionately and whole-heartedly. Let’s say you want to embark on a vulnerability journey, but you aren’t sure how to.  It won’t be easy, but you can start small. To start, once a week, when you aren’t sure if you should share something, such as an emotion or story, go ahead and share it. Slowly work on incorporating more moments of vulnerability and you’ll soon find yourself fervidly living life, feeling strong love, compassion, and joy while accepting and coping with anger, fear, and sorrow. Also, it’s important to mention that your connections will probably be strengthened with those who you share your vulnerable moments with.

I personally have been practicing being vulnerable in the following ways: sharing funny but embarrassing moments with my best friend, talking openly about my struggles with my family, and posting about an invisible illness that tends to be stigmatized. Think of what kind of things you can do to practice vulnerability and comment them below! 

Be sure to check out my Instagram account @wellness.in.meaning, my Facebook page, and my other blog posts on this website. Check back next week for another blog post.

-Sophie